The Problem With Hope
by mazikeenpendragon
Summary: Hope was such a funny thing. It could build you up or tear you down in a matter of moments.
1. Chapter 1

**The Problem With Hope**

 **Summary: Hope was such a funny thing. It could build you up or tear you down in a matter of moments.**

Josslyn groaned when the light to her bedroom turned on and turned bleary eyes toward her alarm clock. Her eyes widened at the sight of the time. It was three in the morning. Ready to question why she was being woken up at this time, she sat up and looked toward the doorway, complaint dying in her throat at the sight of her mother standing there.

Her mother's hair was a mess and she had her robe wrapped around her, cellphone was in her hand that hung limply at her side. Josslyn knew immediately that something was wrong at the look in the woman's eyes.

"Mom?" She asked, voice trembling as she sat frozen in the bed, hands gripping her blankets tightly.

Carly immediately hurried over and took a seat on the side of the bed, her hands untangeling Joss' from the blankets and holding them. "I just got off the phone with Kim." She began carefully, trying her hardest to be strong for her daughter. "Sweetie, I am _so sorry."_

Josslyn's nails dug into her mother's hands at the words being spoken to her. She knew what her mother was getting at. She _knew._ "No!" She whispered desperately, trying hardest to deny the truth. " _No._ Oscar is _fine._ I just visited him last night. He was a little tired, but that was it."

Her mom shook her head. "Honey, Oscar began to have breathing issues an hour ago. They have him on a breathing tube. Kim just called to tell you. She wanted to.." She sucked in a breath, preparing herself for the news she was about to deliver. "She wanted to tell you to come if you wanted to say goodbye."

The teen choked on a sob and she let go of her mother's hands to swipe at her tears hastily. She stood to her feet on shaky legs and watched her mother leave the room to get ready. Josslyn went over to her dresser to grab a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt and socks when her gaze went to the picture of she and Oscar that sat there. She reached out to pick it up, finger running over Oscar's face. She wondered how so much had changed in a matter of months. She sat the picture down and pulled on her outfit.

* * *

The drive to the hospital had been silent with Josslyn staring out the window as all too cheerful pop music blared on the radio. Carly parked the car and she stared at her daughter for a few moments, wishing things were different, wishing she knew what to say.

They both got out and Josslyn immediately started off toward the doors, walking inside as if her legs had a mind of their own. She walked down the halls she knew well to the room she had visited often in the past month and a half. She froze at the door for a few moments and let out a shaky breath before she pushed it open and stepped inside. She stifled a cry at the sight of Oscar. He looked so pale and small in his bed, especially with the tubes down his throat. Drew, Kim, and Monica sat by his bedside, tear streaks pouring down their cheeks.

Carly froze in the doorway and watched as her daughter reached for Oscar's hand. Her heart clenched painfully in her chest as Josslyn raised her other hand to smooth his hair off of his forehead and slid down to cup his cheek. She hardly noticed Kim, Drew, or Monica moving to the doorway beside her until Kim reached for her hand. She followed them out to give the kids some privacy, falling into a chair across from the room.

* * *

Meanwhile, back inside, Josslyn had collapsed into the chair behind her, still holding Oscar's hand. "I still remember the first time I ever saw you." She smiled at the memory. "I had a crush on you for _weeks_ before we finally interacted. It's weird because I'm not usually shy, but you made me feel so unsure. I didn't know how to impress you. And then we connected at that stupid party and I felt like I was flying. You've been a part of my life for two years now and I don't know what to do without you. You weren't just my first boyfriend, you were one of my best friends. You listened to me as I talked about Morgan and you tried to understand. You were there when I was acting out because of my mom being in Ferncliff. It's not fair that this happened to you. It's not fair that you just started getting to know your father and grandmother and sister and they're going to lose you." Tears spilled hotly down her cheeks and blurred her vision. "God, I'm so sorry. I feel like this is all my fault. I convinced you to go through with these trials. I was so sure that they'd save you. That my love would save you. I guess...I was foolish. I was too hopeful."

She cleared her throat and climbed into the bed carefully, resting her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "You'll always be my first love and I'm never going to forget you. It would be impossible to."

Oscar lived for an hour longer before he finally passed on with Josslyn, his parents, grandmother, and Carly in the room. When his time of death was announced, Josslyn immediately collapsed into her mother's arms.

* * *

Around three in the afternoon that day, Josslyn slid on her boots and her coat and scarf before sneaking out of her home. Her mother assumed she was sleeping, but she was unable to. She called Milo to come pick her up and slid into the car, sitting in companionable silence with him.

As soon as he parked the car in front of the cemetery, she climbed out of the car and walked purposefully to Morgan's grave. She fell to her knees in front of it, fingers tracing the letters of her brother's headstone. "I'm sorry I haven't been by to visit in a few weeks." She said in a whisper, placing the stuffed penguin on the grave. "I've been so busy worrying about...worrying about Oscar that I feel like I've neglected you. I still miss you so much, Morgan. Sometimes I expect to see you walk through the living room door before I remember that you're dead. I've been thinking of you even more lately because of Oscar. I told you about him, remember? He was my first boyfriend. I always felt that you two would get along. Now you two will actually get to meet each other. God, Morgan. Oscar had a brain tumor. He died this morning. When I found out he was sick, I felt just as scared and confused as when you died. I tried to hope my love would be enough to save him, but I guess it wasn't. I am so hurt and angry. I don't know what you or Oscar or Kiki did to deserve this. Why were you taken away?" She shook her head. "Anyway, the point is, I wanted to ask you and Kiki to look after Oscar for me. I love you so much, Big Brother." She kissed her gloved fingers before pressing them to the top of the grave. Finally, she stood to her feet and walked back to the car.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Problem With Hope**

 **Part Two**

Josslyn burrowed farther into her bed, not wanting to get out and meet the day. She knew that it would just make everything so real. She'd have to face the fact that Oscar was dead and he was never coming back to her. Yesterday had been hard, but she knew the coming days would become even harder as things became more real.

The door to her bedroom opened and she heard someone quietly step inside her room and sit on the side of a bed. A long fingered hand brushed back her hair and she peeked out from the blankets to see Michael staring at her sadly.

"Hey." He said softly. "I came by yesterday but you were asleep. How are you doing?"

Josslyn sat up at that and leaned into him. She shrugged. "As well as can be expected, I guess. How's Monica?" She asked, feeling bad for the woman in question. She'd seen how devastated she was yesterday morning and new she must be remembering Emily and AJ.

"She's doing okay. She's trying to be there for Drew and Kim. She's spending time with Leo, Scout, Danny, and Jake which distracts her a bit. I know when they leave, it's going to hit her hard, though." MIchael answered carefully, wrapping an arm around his sister and rubbing her back comfortingly.

"It doesn't seem fair. What did Oscar do to deserve this? It's the same question I asked myself when Morgan died and when Jonah...when Jonah died and when Kiki was murdered. They were all so young and had their whole lives ahead of them." Josslyn said in disbelief, shaking her head.

Michael kissed the side of her head. "I don't know what to tell you, Joss. Except that we need to live our best lives. We can make them proud. And I can tell you you're allowed to grieve however you want. You can be angry. You can be hurt. Just...let yourself feel."

"Can I tell you something?" She asked, turning to meet his eyes. "I think Oscar knew he was going to die. Shortly after the first trial, I went to see him and he...he tried to tell me not to get my hopes up. I was sitting in bed with him, talking about college and everything and he asked if we were getting a little ahead of ourselves. I told him that he was still there. I...I had to believe he'd be okay. I had to hold on to that hope. That love would win out. But there were hints all along the way that things weren't working out the way we wanted them to."

Her brother didn't say anything for a few moments as he mulled it over. "Hope isn't a bad thing to have. I'd guess Oscar wanted you to keep that hope."

"I just can't help but think of how scared he must've been. I wish I could've helped him more."

Michael gave her a sad but reassuring smile. "I think just being there for him helped him. He knew he wasn't alone."

* * *

Josslyn was eating the food Michael had picked up for her from Kelly's when there was a knock at the door and her mother went to answer it.

"Josslyn?" Her mother said softly, coming back into the kitchen moments later with Cam by her side.

Josslyn froze as her eyes met Cam's. She hadn't really heard from him in weeks. She'd seen him in school, of course but things had been awkward since she'd gotten back with Oscar to try and help him get better. She knew Cam's discomfort was her own fault and had told him as much which was why it shocked her for a moment that he was here. "Cameron?" She whispered softly, standing to her feet. She didn't care that she was dressed in her pajamas or that her hair was a mess.

Carly quickly busied herself grabbing up dishes and putting them in the sink before excusing herself from the room to give them privacy.

The boy in question walked farther into the room, awkward air about him and his hands stuffed in his pockets. "My mom told me about Oscar. I'd have come to see you yesterday, but I figured you'd want to be alone. I'm so sorry Joss."

"It's nice of you to visit." Josslyn said, staring down at her feet, voice so soft she could barely hear it herself.

Cameron stepped toward her, raising a hand to her arm before letting it fall. "How are you doing, anyway?"

She gave him a look of disbelief.

He winced. "That was a stupid question, I know. Just...look...talk to me, Joss. I know I've been avoiding you but that doesn't mean that I don't care."

"You wanna know how I'm feeling?" Josslyn asked, crossing her arms over her chest and stepping closer to him until their toes touched. "I feel guilty. I convinced Oscar to go through with the trials. He did it for _me._ I was an idiot who thought standing by his side and giving him hope would save him. But in the end, that didn't happen. In a few days, he's going to be buried in the ground and I'm never going to see him again."

"That's not true, Josslyn Jacks." Cameron said, voice firm and filled with conviction. He reached out to put his arms on her shoulders, to make her look at him. "You made Oscar happy. You made him want to fight. Hope is a good thing, even if things ended badly. I was upset at you before, but I understand why you went back to Oscar. You're a good person. You wouldn't be the Josslyn I know and care about if you didn't fight for what you believed in."

She stared at him with tears glimmering in her eyes. "I don't know how I'm going to get through this, Cam. I just keep thinking about losing Morgan and when Michael lost Jonah. I never wanted to go through this again."

Cam wrapped his arms around her tightly, burying his face in her hair as she wrapped her arms around him, crying into his neck. He'd promised Oscar that he'd look after her and that's exactly what he was going to do.

* * *

Josslyn let her fingers trail over the flowers at the flower shop, her mother by her side.

"You know honey, we could've just called and told them what flowers you wanted. We didn't have to come all the way here." Carly told her carefully.

The teen shook her head negatively. "That's too impersonal. Oscar deserves the best. He deserves to know how much I care about him." She picked out a bouquet of bright daisies in every color. It was a flower he'd always been fond of and she thought it suited him. "I want to get some flowers for Monica, Kim, and Drew too." She said to her mother, turning toward her mom, needing her help for this.

After they'd told the florist where Oscar's flowers needed to be sent, Josslyn and Carly carefully grabbed the bouquets meant for his parents and grandmother and began their drive to their destinations.

Carly reached out to squeeze her daughter's knee as they parked outside the Quartermaine mansion. She smiled at Josslyn reassuringly. "I'll wait out here. Take as long as you need."

Josslyn nodded and grabbed the bouquet gently, walking determinedly to the front door.

It swung open and she was met with Monica.

"Josslyn?" The woman asked in confusion, looking worst for wear.

The teen smiled timidly. "Hi Mrs. Quartermaine." She said softly. "Can I come in?"

The woman's eyes looked her over and then at the flowers in her hands, softening as she nodded and stepped aside.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Problem With Hope**

 **Part Three**

Josslyn followed Monica into the living room, smiling as the woman offered her some tea. "How have you been?" She asked as soon as they each had a cup of tea and had sat across from each other. The flowers Josslyn had bought sat between them.

Monica shrugged. "I'm trying to get through it. Trying to help my son and Kim as best as I can. And what about you? You and my grandson were close."

Josslyn swallowed hard. "I'm still trying to deal, she fluttered her lashes, trying to blink back the tears. "I already miss him. I wanted to come see you though to give you these. The other bouquets are for Kim and Drew when they get back."

The woman took the bouquet and quickly got a vase for them filled with water. After she'd sat the bouquet down on a table, she took Josslyn's hands and squeezed them. "My grandson really loved you. You made him so happy. I know you made him want to fight. I can't think you enough for that."

Tears spilled down Josslyn's cheeks as she smiled at the woman. "He made me happy too, Mrs. Quartermaine."

Josslyn came out around thirty minutes later and climbed into her mother's car.

* * *

"Everything okay?" Carly asked, studying her daughter carefully.

The girl sniffled and nodded. "Uh-huh. It felt good talking to Monica. She thanked me for loving Oscar. She told me how happy I made him."

Carly's hand went to her throat at that and her eyes widened. "Well I don't ever really agree with Monica but she's right about that." She reached out to wipe away the tears that spilled down her daughter's cheeks. "How about I take you to get some cocoa and some cake from that new bakery?"

Josslyn gave a laugh and nodded as her mother started up the car.

Around ten minutes later, they sat at one of the small, cozy booths across from each other, hands cupped around mugs of hot cocoa as they waited for the desserts they had ordered.

Carly took a sip of her cocoa before setting her mug down. "You know, I feel like it might be a good time for you to talk to someone about everything you're feeling. You...haven't had a very good year between Nelle's betrayal, me going to Ferncliff and blaming yourself for that, now Oscar...even before that, when Morgan died. I should've gotten you in to talk to someone."

Josslyn bit her lip at those words. "I think that would be a good idea." She said weakly as the waitress came to place their pieces of chocolate cake in front of them. She wasn't really thrilled with the idea of talking to someone about her feelings that she wasn't close with, but she knew that she probably needed it. If there was one thing Morgan had always enforced in her head after his bipolar dianosis, it was that talking was a good thing.

The older woman let out a breath and reached out to squeeze her daughter's hand. "Good. I'm glad you are willing to try the idea. It's great you're talking to me and to your brother and to Cam, but I feel like there's a lot more you don't feel like sharing with any of us."

The teen looked away, cutting a small piece of cake and putting it in her mouth. It was true. She didn't feel comfortable divulging some things going on in her head to the people she loved. She knew that they wouldn't judge her but she still couldn't go through with it. She didn't want them knowing. She didn't want anyone knowing how much she blamed herself for Oscar's death or how she'd had insomnia after Morgan's . Or how she'd been plagued by nightmares about her mother in Ferncliff or how Morgan died. And she hadn't told anyone her most secret of thoughts of how badly she'd wanted to hurt Nelle when she'd caught her trying to escape. "You're right." She whispered with a nod, finally turning her gaze back to her mother.

Carly nodded. "I'll schedule you an appoitment then." She answered. "I'm proud of you for realizing you have to talk to someone, Josslyn."

Josslyn smiled weakly at that and continued to eat her cake.

* * *

Just as her mother had promised, her appoitment was scheduled and she was in to see the psychiatrist, Hannah Winters the very next day.

Josslyn eyed the woman on the chair in front of her. She couldn't be too old from what she could tell. Probably early thirties at most. The room they were in was warm and bright, knick knacks of deer and owls on the desk, pictures on the warm, yellow walls. The entire room screamed comfort. She slumped farther into the cushiony chair she was in.

Hannah smiled softly at her and held out her hand. "So you've never been in therapy before?" She questioned.

The blonde shook her head. "No, never. Not because we'd ever seen therapy as a bad thing. I know it works and how helpful it can be. It just...had never been considered for me."

"Until now." The woman said carefully, brown eyes warm and compassionate.

Josslyn nodded. "Until now." She whispered. "When Morgan died, I had nightmares for weeks. That was when I wasn't up because of insomnia. I just...knew my brother's body hadn't been found. That he was probably in pieces. And it hurt because I never got to say goodbye to him. I wasn't prepared."

"And your parents, your brother...no one in your family knew?" Hannah asked in shock, eyes wide. "Your brother died two years ago."

The girl chewed her lip. "I never _wanted_ them to know. My mother, brother, and I were all mourning Morgan's death and I was just so...angry. I blamed my Uncle Sonny for Morgan's death. I threatened to move to Australia with my father."

"Uncle Sonny's your...stepfather, right?" The psychiatrist questioned. "Why do you call him Uncle Sonny?"

"He's been in my life for years. He and my mother had an on again off again thing for years. I always knew him as the father of my brothers. That's why it hurt so much when I thought he was the reason I had to bury my brother. Because he'd been in my life for years and I'd loved him for so long. It felt like a betrayal." Josslyn swallowed hard and looked up at the woman in front of her. "Sometimes I still wonder what life would be like if my mom had kept us all away from the mob."

"But you didn't leave, you forgave him. What made you do that?" The woman leaned in carefully, curious about the answer.

Josslyn looked down at her hands. "My brother Michael pleaded with me to not be angry. He and...and Nelle both did. I had them both on this...pedestal so I listened. You probably already know who Nelle is but...I had her on a pedestal because she was my kidney donor. I was really sick when I was a toddler and the only thing that could save me was a new kidney or radiation. My parents didn't want to poison me when I was so young, so they tried to find a donor. For years, we thought it was Jake Webber until he came back alive. So my mom began the search for my donor, even though I didn't really want her to. I hated the idea of learning another child had to die for me to live. It had been a relief when I found out Jake wasn't my donor not just because my Uncle Jason had his son back, but...because it meant that I wasn't alive because some dead kid's kidney. Anyway, my mom and Nina eventually tracked down my donor. And Nelle seemed so...sweet. She confessed that her father had sold her kidney for money but she assured me that she was happy that it was done because it meant I was alive. I hero worshipped her. And I also blamed myself for what her father and my father did. It's why I didn't immediately believe that she was bad news. I mean...she couldn't be. She was the reason I was alive. And so...when Nelle tried to destroy my mom's life and acted as if my mother had tried to kill her, I had thought it was maybe a possibility. My mom didn't seem to be in the right state of mind. When my mom was sent to Ferncliff, I blamed myself. I just wanted to _feel_ something. _Anything."_

Hannah stopped her there. "How about I schedule an appointment for tomorrow and you can tell me more then?" She knew enough of what happened to Nelle to know that soon, they'd be onto what had happened to Oscar and it was clear that the teen could use a small break and some rest.

Josslyn let out a sigh of relief and nodded. "Okay." She whispered as she stood.

"Have you been sleeping at all?" Hannah asked, pen and prescription pad at the ready.

"Some. But not enough. I'm terrified to close my eyes." The girl answered.

The psychiatrist nodded and jotted down a prescription for sleeping pills. "I'm going to give you some sleeping pills. Hopefully they can help give you a good night's rest."

Josslyn smiled and took the paper in a trembling hand before she went to meet her mother in the waiting room.

 **Next Part: Josslyn tells Hannah about Oscar. The funeral occurs.**


	4. Chapter 4

The **Problem With Hope**

 **Chapter Four**

Josslyn walked down the stairs the next morning, already showered and dressed for her appointment with her psychiatrist when she spotted Kim on the sofa next to her mom. She froze when she saw her. She hadn't seen the woman since the hospital. She hadn't been there when Josslyn had dropped off the flowers at the Quartermaines and the woman hadn't been working at the hospital since. "Ms. Nero?" She asked in confusion. Her hand gripped the banister as the memories of watching Oscar die slammed into her.

The woman in question turned and stood at the sound of her name and walked over to the staircase to take Josslyn's hands in hers. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you visited. Drew and I were making preparations. The flowers you sent us and Oscar are beautiful."

The teen swallowed hard. "I figured as much. I'm glad you liked them. You didn't have to come all the way here to tell me that, though."

Kim gave a trembling smile. "My visit isn't about the flowers. I came to ask you something."

Josslyn furrowed her brow. "Well what is it?"

The woman sighed. "I wanted to know if you'd give a speech at Oscar's funeral. You were one of the most important people in the world to him. It would just...mean a lot."

Carly stood to her feet and eyed her daughter carefully, wanting to be there in case her daughter reacted badly.

Josslyn paled considerably and her blue eyes widened. She swallowed the lump in her throat and found her courage. "Of course I will." She said, trying to sound strong. She wanted to do this one last thing for Oscar. She _had_ to.

The grateful look that lights up Kim's face, brightening her dark circle rimmed eyes is proof enough that she'd made the right decision.

* * *

Josslyn settled into the same chair she'd taken yesterday across from Hannah. "Oscar's mom asked me to speak at his funeral tomorrow." She immedietly informed the woman. Her hand went to her throat where the necklace Oscar had made her over a year ago hung around her neck. She touched her finger tips to it gently. "I said yes."

Hannah blinked in surprise at that and watched how the teen fidgeted. "And how do you feel about that?" She asked.

The blonde shrugged. "Nervous. I don't know what I'm going to say. I'm afraid that I'm going to have a breakdown when I get up there."

"It could be a good thing for you." Hannah offered carefully. "It could help you process things more clearly."

Josslyn sighed. "Maybe."

"Do you feel like you can tell me about Oscar? How you two met?" The psychiatrist asked as she tapped her pen onto her yellow notepad.

A smile curved the teen's lips as she thought of the first time she'd seen Oscar. He'd been new in town and had just come into her English class as a new student. She'd been intrigued by his dark hair and the shy smile that he'd given the class. He'd been quiet, the very opposite of Josslyn so they hadn't spoken for awhile, until the night he'd come to her party. From there, they were pretty much attached at the hip. She was starry eyed and a dreamer when around him. "Well...he and I started talking when he came to this party I was throwing. A party that got a little bit...out of hand." She laughed. "I wanted to talk to him from the moment he came into my classroom weeks before. But he kept to himself and he made me feel shy. We were alone in my living room while all the other guests were out at the hot tub. From that moment on, we were close. We shared our first kiss on the Fourth of July. He wasn't intimidated out of hanging out with me because of who my stepfather was or how I had guards. And I liked that."

"Oscar sounds like he was a great guy." Hannah commented.

"Oh, he was. He stood up for what he believed in. When our school said that trans students wouldn't be able to dress the way they felt comfortable-the way they identified as, he and I planned this entire altenative dance." Josslyn laughed at the memory. "My mother overheard our conversation and assumed he and I were planning on having sex."

"And how did that work out?" The psychiatrist wondered.

Josslyn blushed at the memory of the embarrassing conversation she and her mother had had. "About as well as can be expected. It was embarrassing. Anyway, things were great for months. We celebrated our anniversary a few months ago and then around a week after that, he ended things with me." She swallowed hard and swiped at her tears. "He'd had a seizure the day before we celebrated our anniversary. We'd thought it was just low blood sugar because he hadn't eaten much that day. Until his mother told him the truth."

Hannah shifted in her seat and leaned in closer. "Why didn't he know how sick he was before then?"

The teen stared down at her hands. "His mother wanted him to be a normal kid and enjoy life without worry. When he had the seizure, she realized time was running out. Can I stop talking now? I'm not quite ready to get into... _it_ yet."

* * *

Josslyn swallowed hard and stared at herself in the midnight blue dress she wore. Not quite fitting for a funeral, but she knew Oscar well and she knew he'd appreciate it. The necklace he'd given her dangled from her neck and she touched it, hoping it would give her strength to get through the day. She slipped her feet into a pair of boots and hurried down the stairs.

As soon as she was on the last step, her mother turned from where she was quietly talking to Jason and hurried over to her, immediately embracing her.

"How are you feeling?" Carly wondered softly as soon as she'd pulled back.

Josslyn shrugged. "Sad. Trying to prepare myself for my speech." Her attention turned to her godfather. "I'm so sorry, Jason." She whispered as she stepped toward him and hugged him around the waist.

Jason hugged her bag just as tightly as Carly looked on, tears streaming down her own cheeks.

* * *

Josslyn walked into the funeral home ahead of her godfather, mother, stepfather, and brother. Her gaze immediately traveled to where Kim stood by the coffin, staring down into it. She swallowed hard and walked over determinedly.

Kim didn't seem to notice her until she'd looped her arm through the older woman's. "He looks good, doesn't he? I had him put him in his favorite outfit."

Josslyn let out a shaky breath and stared down at him. If she hadn't known he was dead, she'd have thought he was sleeping with the way the morticians had worked. He looked peaceful, a small smile upon his lips that comforted her as much as broke her heart. "He does." She whispered gently, leaning into the woman.

 **Next Chapter: The funeral begins. Josslyn tells Hannah about Oscar's illness, his death, and her guilt.**


	5. Chapter 5

**The Problem With Hope**

 **Part Five**

Josslyn's breath caught in her throat as the service began. She clenched Michael's hand from where she sat next to him, nails digging into his skin as the priest spoke. She couldn't move her gaze from the casket however. Her other hand gripped the hem of her dress nervously as it got closer and closer to the time where she'd have to speak.

Kim stood to her feet and went to the podium on shaky legs. "My son was always a good kid. As a baby, he'd hardly ever cry and he'd sleep through the night. And although I knew he wondered why he didn't have a father like the rest of his friends, he never got angry. I raised him to the best of my ability. Putting him in music classes and helping him study. Two years ago, when I learnt he was sick, I...kept it secret from him. I just wanted him to be a normal kid. When I moved here with Oscar and he got close to the people here, I had even more reason to not tell him. He was blossoming here with his girlfriend and this family he'd never known. When you're a parent, you'd give anything to protect your child. That's...what I tried my best to do. My son was...the best possible child I could've ever asked for."

Josslyn swiped at her tears at Kim's speech and leaned into her mother as Drew went up to speak next. She listened to the man talk about how though he hadn't known his son long, just how important Oscar had become to him and how much he was going to miss him. It made her sob even more from how much time they'd both lost.

She walked up to the podium when Drew was done speaking, head lowered saw her blonde hair curtained her face. She stood there for a few moments, only sound she let out being her deep, calming breaths. "There's a lot I can tell you about Oscar. I can tell you about how brilliant he was. How he was an amazing writer. How he could play the piano and the guitar. But...those are things a lot of people know about him. So instead, I'll tell you about how he was my first love. And how happy he made me. How...he tried to protect me by breaking up with me. See, he didn't want me to have to see him die. He'd have rather I hated them than have to watch him die. I was so angry when I found out. I wanted to be there for him. Oscar was always the protective type. When our high school wasn't going to allow people to dress the way they felt comfortable, he and I decided to have an alternative dance And when Oscar saw this little girl upset because she was afraid Santa wouldn't know she was at the hospital, he immediately wanted to do something. Oscar was one of the good ones and the world truly lost something when he died. I don't think I'll ever stop loving Oscar. He'll always be important to me and when I have kids, I'm sure I'll tell them all about him. I want his memory to live on. So...that's what I want you all to do. Just remember Oscar and don't let the memory of him die." Her voice cracked as she finished her speech and she ran down from the podium and into her mother's arms.

* * *

"So how was the funeral?" Hannah asked, looking at Josslyn who was curled up in the chair in front of her.

Josslyn's head lowered. "It was sad. But it felt good to talk about Oscar. I liked seeing how many lives he touched."

The psychiatrist leaned in. "Do you think you're ready to talk to me about what happened to him? If not, I understand."

The teen nodded. "Oscar...Oscar didn't tell me he was sick at first. He'd been sick for two years, but he didn't know until his mother confessed it to him a little bit after our anniversary. He didn't want me to have to see him die. He didn't want me to remember him as the first love that I saw waste away. My friend, Cameron knew what was wrong with him and told me the truth. I confronted Oscar and convinced him to start the trials. I was hoping they'd save his life. Sometimes...sometimes I wonder if I just made him die sooner by getting him to do the trials."

Hannah reached out to squeeze her wrist. "You know that's not your fault, right? He made his own decision to do the trials. He wanted to take a chance to live."

Josslyn swallowed back the lump in her throat. "I know. My mom, my brother, Kim, Drew, Monica-everyone has told me that. I just wanted him to live so badly." She choked on a sob and buried her head into her knees.

* * *

Cam opened the door to his house and his gaze immediately landed on Josslyn standing there, arms wrapped protectively around her. He sighed and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, leading her into his house and to the couch. He was home alone. Liz and Franco were visiting with Kim and Drew and both Jake and Aiden were at sleepovers. "I was wondering how you were doing. I haven't seen you since the funeral."

Josslyn curled up next to Cam on the couch. "I just got done with therapy. I told her about Oscar's illness and his death. How I felt guilty for telling him to do the trials. But I didn't tell him everything. I didn't tell her how I lashed out at you and Jason for not telling me that Oscar was sick because I couldn't be mad at him." She shook her head. "I'm still sorry for yelling at you the way I did. For getting you tangled up in that mess."

He hugged her closer, hand running over her hair. His lips pressed to the side of her head gently. "I already told you, I forgive you for that. And I agreed to help you out. You know, Oscar made me promise to look out for you before he died."

She scoffed at that and rolled her eyes fondly. "That sounds like him." She replied.

Cam smiled. "So then I need you to listen to me when I tell you that his death wasn't your fault. Oscar wanted more time with you because he loved you. He wouldn't want you blaming yourself or feeling guilty for whatever you feel. He'd want you to eventually be happy again."

Josslyn blinked back tears. "Being happy again doesn't seem all that possible at the moment."

He felt tears sting his own eyes as he squeezed her. "You'll get there eventually, Josslyn. I promise."

 **Final Chapter: How is Josslyn dealing two years later? Fifteen years after Oscar's death, Josslyn visits her grave.**


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